Now recovered from my heart surgery, I look for a way to get back into performing.
I'm a member of the public speaking group Toastmasters, and they are organizing a "variety night". I sang in this show last year, and see it as a good chance to get back in front of an audience.
I decide to perform a song called "Lost in Wonderland". The music is by Jobim - an instrumental piece he named "Antigua". I've listened to this music many times, and wished I could sing it - but there were no lyrics. Then last year, listening to a new Barbra Streisand album, I discovered that the song does have words. A lyricist called Marshall Barer wrote the words for her, she recorded the song in 1968 and only released it last year. It's called "Lost in Wonderland" and is a dark, grown-up Alice in Wonderland song. It is very challenging, as there are lots of words and the melody line jumps around, up and down.
I'm keen to give this difficult song a first outing.
At the Toastmasters night, I'm the opening act. It's my first performance in four months, and as I commence my piece the adrenaline surges. My voice does not betray my nerves. I've learned to control that, but the tension gets channeled into my hands. The microphone is doing a dance of its own. And towards the end of the song my mouth is getting dry. Mentally I tell myself "Keep going - breathe!". My lungs obey, my voice comes out well, I remember all my words, and with a boost of determination I finish the song strongly.
This is a big development - the ability to "watch" myself and take my own advice as I perform.
In the past I've felt frustrated with carefully preparing a song, only to have it hijacked by my "limbic brain" - the primitive part of the brain that controls the fight-or flight-instinct. I've felt it tugging and warning "danger, danger". It has made me forget my lyrics. It has inhibited me from throwing my voice forward, causing it to fall back into my throat. It has held me back from singing in full voice, and instead I have flicked over into my thin, small head voice. I've felt myself resiling from a higher note even though I know I can sing it. I've failed to modify my vowels in the way I've planned to, and forgotten to drop my jaw open in the way I know I should.
And after a performance, I've said to myself "Will my brain please work?" All my energy, it seems, has been going towards remembering words and conquering nerves. You always think you'll be fine, but it feels very different when you get up there on stage.
At the Toastmasters show, I notice a big improvement in my ability to perform as I've planned, and to sing as I know I can.
But nerves are still hindering my performance, and I'm determined to conquer my limbic brain, that is holding me back from my best performance.
I'm a member of the public speaking group Toastmasters, and they are organizing a "variety night". I sang in this show last year, and see it as a good chance to get back in front of an audience.
I decide to perform a song called "Lost in Wonderland". The music is by Jobim - an instrumental piece he named "Antigua". I've listened to this music many times, and wished I could sing it - but there were no lyrics. Then last year, listening to a new Barbra Streisand album, I discovered that the song does have words. A lyricist called Marshall Barer wrote the words for her, she recorded the song in 1968 and only released it last year. It's called "Lost in Wonderland" and is a dark, grown-up Alice in Wonderland song. It is very challenging, as there are lots of words and the melody line jumps around, up and down.
I'm keen to give this difficult song a first outing.
At the Toastmasters night, I'm the opening act. It's my first performance in four months, and as I commence my piece the adrenaline surges. My voice does not betray my nerves. I've learned to control that, but the tension gets channeled into my hands. The microphone is doing a dance of its own. And towards the end of the song my mouth is getting dry. Mentally I tell myself "Keep going - breathe!". My lungs obey, my voice comes out well, I remember all my words, and with a boost of determination I finish the song strongly.
This is a big development - the ability to "watch" myself and take my own advice as I perform.
In the past I've felt frustrated with carefully preparing a song, only to have it hijacked by my "limbic brain" - the primitive part of the brain that controls the fight-or flight-instinct. I've felt it tugging and warning "danger, danger". It has made me forget my lyrics. It has inhibited me from throwing my voice forward, causing it to fall back into my throat. It has held me back from singing in full voice, and instead I have flicked over into my thin, small head voice. I've felt myself resiling from a higher note even though I know I can sing it. I've failed to modify my vowels in the way I've planned to, and forgotten to drop my jaw open in the way I know I should.
And after a performance, I've said to myself "Will my brain please work?" All my energy, it seems, has been going towards remembering words and conquering nerves. You always think you'll be fine, but it feels very different when you get up there on stage.
At the Toastmasters show, I notice a big improvement in my ability to perform as I've planned, and to sing as I know I can.
But nerves are still hindering my performance, and I'm determined to conquer my limbic brain, that is holding me back from my best performance.
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